Rachael Maddux

via cache.stylemepretty.com
This is what I’m talking about. Rage. RAGE. I know it’s unfair—these ladies probably think they are just the cutest*, and I guess if you’d never seen anyone doing this before then you might also think they are just the cutest. But if you have seen anyone doing this before—especially if you’ve seen multiple anyones doing this before (and if you’ve spent any amount of time on wedding or craft or style blogs recently, YOU HAVE SEEN THEM)—at a certain point it’s just like, why is everyone doing this? What is the appeal? Where did this come from, even, this idea that moustaches are so hilarious when juxtaposed on the faces of people who lack their own natural moustaches? Do we blame Duchamp? I am at a loss. But I am pretty sure one day when all of these people are showing their wedding photos to their kids, the kids are going to be like, “WTF parents, what is with all of the moustaches on sticks?” And the parents will be like, “Actually, I have no idea—although I suspect, son/daughter, that it had something to do with your father/mother and I wanting to project some degree of faux-indie cred, and I am filled with regret for mindlessly cowing to such a completely arbitrary gag on this very special day of our lives.” And then the kid will be like, “But Mommy/Daddy, what are those two strange curly black lines on the inside of your pointer finger? PLEASE GOD DON’T TELL ME YOU GOT ONE OF THOSE RIDICULOUS PERMA-FAKE-MOUSTACHE TATTOOS, TOO? UGH YOU DID? OK THEN PLEASE TELL ME I AM ADOPTED, YOU PATHETIC, BRAINLESS, TREND-HUMPING PIECE OF CRAP. NO, I WON’T GO TO MY ROOM. NO MAN/LADY WITH FAKE FACIAL HAIR PERMANENTLY INKED UPON THEIR BODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO.” See, people, there are lasting consequences to choices like this! You are risking both your present and future dignity! There are better ways to make yourself and others laff on your wedding day. Ways I will not disclose for fear that they will become as equally abhorrent to me one day when everyone abandons this ridiculous schtick for them.
But, yes. Fake moustaches. Especially on sticks. OVER THEM.
* Let it be known that I do not have anything against these ladies personally; they just had the random misfortune to be in the first photo of fake moustachery I came across after getting really riled up about it earlier. I think they are all quite cute! I mean, look and their cardigans. Totally cute. Totally cute without the aid of fake moustaches. IT IS POSSIBLE. If you can dream it, you can be it, etc.

This is what I’m talking about. Rage. RAGE. I know it’s unfair—these ladies probably think they are just the cutest*, and I guess if you’d never seen anyone doing this before then you might also think they are just the cutest. But if you have seen anyone doing this before—especially if you’ve seen multiple anyones doing this before (and if you’ve spent any amount of time on wedding or craft or style blogs recently, YOU HAVE SEEN THEM)—at a certain point it’s just like, why is everyone doing this? What is the appeal? Where did this come from, even, this idea that moustaches are so hilarious when juxtaposed on the faces of people who lack their own natural moustaches? Do we blame Duchamp? I am at a loss. But I am pretty sure one day when all of these people are showing their wedding photos to their kids, the kids are going to be like, “WTF parents, what is with all of the moustaches on sticks?” And the parents will be like, “Actually, I have no idea—although I suspect, son/daughter, that it had something to do with your father/mother and I wanting to project some degree of faux-indie cred, and I am filled with regret for mindlessly cowing to such a completely arbitrary gag on this very special day of our lives.” And then the kid will be like, “But Mommy/Daddy, what are those two strange curly black lines on the inside of your pointer finger? PLEASE GOD DON’T TELL ME YOU GOT ONE OF THOSE RIDICULOUS PERMA-FAKE-MOUSTACHE TATTOOS, TOO? UGH YOU DID? OK THEN PLEASE TELL ME I AM ADOPTED, YOU PATHETIC, BRAINLESS, TREND-HUMPING PIECE OF CRAP. NO, I WON’T GO TO MY ROOM. NO MAN/LADY WITH FAKE FACIAL HAIR PERMANENTLY INKED UPON THEIR BODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO.” See, people, there are lasting consequences to choices like this! You are risking both your present and future dignity! There are better ways to make yourself and others laff on your wedding day. Ways I will not disclose for fear that they will become as equally abhorrent to me one day when everyone abandons this ridiculous schtick for them.

But, yes. Fake moustaches. Especially on sticks. OVER THEM.

* Let it be known that I do not have anything against these ladies personally; they just had the random misfortune to be in the first photo of fake moustachery I came across after getting really riled up about it earlier. I think they are all quite cute! I mean, look and their cardigans. Totally cute. Totally cute without the aid of fake moustaches. IT IS POSSIBLE. If you can dream it, you can be it, etc.

Source: cache.stylemepretty.com