“We’re down at the old Hitchens place probably twice a month at least," said Sgt. Wilson Vernon, the first of three officers to arrive at the scene. "Once his blood’s up, old Hitch can get meaner than a three-legged coon hound. From what the neighbors told us about this latest incident, Noreen was all worked up, accusing him of drinking and womanizing. He was angry with her refusal to acknowledge that there is ample evidence to make a case for prosecuting Henry Kissinger as a war criminal. She just kept shouting, ‘No, there ain’t!’”
“With so many Americans struggling to get by, it’s no wonder they’re craving more intellectual nourishment from their nation’s poets," said Sen. Scott Brown (R-MA), standing among the cheering enthusiasts in Fresno. "The sheer excitement that overcomes our people when a poetry reading is announced tells you how badly we need this guy.”

Distressed Nation Turns To Poet Laureate For Solace | The Onion - America’s Finest News Source

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“I guess I see my role as being like an arbiter of what sucks and what doesn’t in the world of show biz," added Shelham, seemingly under the sad impression that her work or existence has a meaningful use to society or the human race. "Somebody’s got to do it.”